Moving Forward

I don’t know if it is the same way for everyone, but sometimes God blesses me with a swift kick in the pants.

At least that’s what it feels like.

You know that verse in the Doctrine and Covenants that says, “reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost, and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him [or her] whom thou hast reproved?” Well today that happened to me. Let me back up a few months and give you some context for today’s happenings.

I was sitting on my signature homework couch in the basement of the Wilkinson Student Center when I took a break to scroll through Instagram, and there it was: the cutest swimsuit, like ever, on one of the Mormamoms (Mormon mothers) that I follow on Instagram. I got on the website and quickly ordered one. Finally it came in the mail, and I opened the package. It was wrapped in leopard tissue paper, a sure sign of future satisfaction. Not. The bottoms didn’t fit me at all. Surely those couldn’t be for a size 0-2 like the website had said. Soon after, I realized they could not be returned, only exchanged. The problem was that the next size up would be much too long for my short torso, so that wasn’t an option either.

Cut to a few weeks ago.

I scrolled Instagram and fashion blogs looking for cute swimsuits. After all, I was going to need a new one for my impending honeymoon in Cancun. I saw immodest suit after immodest suit, all on people that I admire and look to as examples in many other ways. Instead of being disheartened, I was almost relieved. “Oh, even so-and-so is wearing a bikini,” I thought to myself over and over.

And eventually my thoughts became my actions. I ordered a swimsuit from Nordstrom that I would never have ordered a couple of years ago. I justified it to myself: 1. It’s more modest than the ones I saw all of the bloggers wearing. I mean, at least it’s a one piece! 2. It’s my favorite brand. I looove my swimsuit from last year that I got from them. 3. It’s on sale. This couldn’t be more perfect.

The package arrived, and I anxiously tried it on. It fit, and it was everything I imagined it would be. I couldn’t wait to wear it walking down the beautiful beaches of Mexico.

And then yesterday I showed it to Cameron, my fiancé, when I was packing for my trip to Guatemala. He immediately said, “What are you going to do when you go through the Temple?” What am I going to do? What do you mean what am I going to do? Why would that have anything to do with this? I finally asked him what he meant, if they gave new guidance regarding swimsuits in the Temple that I was unaware of. With a confused look, he answered, “No, but they give you garments and explain that you should wear them all the time. What is the point of being modest all of the time if you are just going to take it all off the go swimming? If I saw you wearing that, I would say, ‘Katie, what in the world are you doing?’”

I thought. And I thought. And then I thought some more. My normal happy-face took a trip, and I started to self-evaluate.

Is this swimsuit immodest? I don’t think it is. No swimsuit could possibly be covered by garments unless you’re wearing a muumuu, and no one does that. Why would he tell me that? He just doesn’t get it. But what if he does? What if I’m the one who isn’t getting it?

Ultimately, I decided that I would return it, even if just to please him. Although I still wasn’t convinced that it was a bad swimsuit, knowing that he thought it was turned out to be enough to convince me to not keep it.

I swapped my frown with my signature smile and kept packing. He drove me to the airport, and I flew (well, the captain flew) to Dallas, thoughts of swimsuits long replaced by thoughts of leaving Cameron for two whole weeks—gah! The misery of young love.

Today I celebrated Father’s Day, had a Temple recommend interview, and then went to church. In the opening prayer of Relief Society, I asked for us to continue to have the spirit with us, that we could think of things we could change in our lives to draw us nearer to Him, and that we could have the strength to do those things.

As the lesson began, I realized that I had already heard the lesson the week before in Cameron’s dad’s ward in Salt Lake. The lesson was: Following the Living Prophet. I leaned over to my friend, Allie, and told her so. She said, “wow, you must be a pro at this then,” to which I replied, “or I just really need it.” Little did I know then that that comment would manifest itself to be incredibly true.

We were placed in groups and asked to talk about certain aspects of the lesson. I brought up my favorite quote from the lesson: If we want to know how well we stand with the Lord then let us ask ourselves how well we stand with His mortal captain—how close do our lives harmonize with the Lord’s anointed—the living Prophet—President of the Church, and with the Quorum of the First Presidency?

Cue the swift kick in the pants.

How could I pray, asking to become closer to God, and ignore some of the counsel He gave me through His anointed? Why would I choose to pray every day, choose to read my scriptures every day, choose to be kind to others, and then choose to push against the boundaries of His counsel, even if it was just a little? Why would I do that? Why did I do that?

I knew that I needed to change. I hadn’t done anything wrong per say: I never wore the swimsuit. But I bought it. I intended to wear it, and I knew that it would be pushing the boundaries.

How grateful I am for a Father in Heaven that loves me enough to show me when I am not on His path. How grateful I am for my Savior—for Jesus Christ—whose hand is always outstretched toward me to help me get back on that path.

I’m not perfect, and this is only one little exemplification of that. But I want to be.

So this is my commitment to try a little harder to be a little better. This is my commitment to not push that boundary, no matter how cute the swimsuit is, no matter how many of the people I look up to are doing it, not matter how much money I could save by buying this one instead of searching for that one.

Oftentimes we forget that baby steps still move us forward, but today I remembered that they do. This is my commitment to walk toward Him.