*WARNING: this post contains rambling, boring subjects, and limited humor. But if you want to read on and maybe leave me a comment with your insight, well, I'd really appreciate that.*
But right now I just feel like it would be easier to have this decision maker I muse about. Let's call him Walter: it's a wise-sounding name, and I just watched that Walter Mitty movie (totally hilarious, by the way).
In the morning, Walter would tell me what to wear. This would probably save me an average of ten minutes a day of sitting on the floor moaning and feeling like my only option is to pretend I'm a hobo. Maybe I would even look cute for school again! Oh, and there wasn't even a question as to whether or not I should get up for seminary. Walter made that choice for me.
Then, Walter would help me decide whether to gun it or stop when I see that yellow light. And he would help me remember to be nice to everybody, even when the dreaded most common punctuation has taken over my body (that would be a period, in case you didn't quite pick up on that). He would help me decide if there is enough time to go to the bathroom in between passing periods and prevent all tardies.
But obviously there are more important decisions to be made. Where should I go to school? What should I study at school?
I took a leap of faith and chose to go to BYU, but other schools keep emailing their enticing scholarship offers, and I got one today that says I have four days left to join the National Merit Scholars at OU this fall. Four days, guys. I mean, I wasn't even considering it, but when you put it like that it sounds like a very pressing matter that demands attention and deserves consideration. Am I really giving up such an amazing offer? It really has made me take a step back to examine my decision-making process.
This all leads to my next decision that needs to be made: what should I study? Clearly, I am still young. I don't need to pick my major/post-major degrees this minute, but I do need to decide what classes to take my first semester of college. It would be easy, except that it's hard. If I decide to go with Graphic Design, I will take some great Visual Arts courses. Those sound fun, and fun sounds promising. But apart from that, my interests start to vary widely. You see, I would also love to study neuroscience, which would mean some chemistry and biology courses my first semester. And then I could be a CIA Agent, and if I'm going to do that, I had better start learning Arabic (I hope this blog post doesn't keep me from this career at some point in the future. If one day it has been deleted.. well..).
There really seems to be no middle ground. My mom says to take general education classes, and of course I will take some, but being the all-or-nothing soul that I am, I feel the strong need to choose a direction and throw myself at it with every single pound I've got.
So I will keep praying until I get that answer. But Walter, if you're out there, I'm offering you a temporary position because this is really hard. You know where to find me.
Good people, how do you make hard decisions and find peace in them?
Girl, I totally know what you're feeling. I hate making decisions because I feel like the only decision I'm going to make is the wrong one--even when there are other good options. I play a big game of "what if" in my head on a daily basis, but recently I've learned a few things about it.
ReplyDeleteOne, you're never going to know where to go to school, or if it's the right place, or if the classes are right until you get there. So, you have to pray until you think you have the answer and just choose. After you choose, you do. That's where I find most my answers. There's something about just doing what feels at least somewhat right that can lead you into whether or not it's really right. Heavenly Father has a very intricate plan for every one of us, but it involves us making some decisions on our own (which is a trial in and of itself). He will tell you if it's wrong, and he'll help you get back to where you're supposed to be. (Especially if your choice was made from two good things.) It all comes down to that leap of faith. You have to make a decision and stick with it. Pray to Him and tell him what you've chosen and ask him to help you through the process. Maybe you need comfort in leaving home, or a validation, and He can give you that, but you have to ask.
Secondly, sometimes you are solid in your decision and then everything falls to pieces. I'll explain further. I got a distinct answer of where I was supposed to be my freshman year. And I felt really good about it. I moved out, and started school. Then all hell broke loose and it was literally one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. But, I prayed. Everyday. And I stayed (I didn't want to at all) because of that secure feeling at the beginning. As I look back on my freshman year I KNOW that I was supposed to learn the things I did and experience the trials that I did and I don't think I could have learned them in a different place. I had to completely learn to give every ounce of trust in my body to my Heavenly Father because he has the answers. Even if we think we know what's best, or that we'd be better here, or there, or if we need this money, or on and on, we have to trust Him.
When you learn to really trust Him, and trust YOURSELF, that's where you can find the peace. You're tough enough to make this decision; you're smart enough, you're mature enough, you're brilliant enough. He's walking behind you every step of the way.
And so am I. Not that I'm perfect, or all knowing, or anything of the sort, but I'm someone to listen and to give insight. Sometimes it's nice to hear from someone, or to talk to someone that doesn't know, or need to know every detail of your life and they can walk you through something really specific. I can tell you're really wonderful, Katie. If you need ANYTHING at all (even if it's just to spew thoughts on that you don't want any feedback on), please, feel free to email or text me.
xoxo,
mo.
simplicityinwords@gmail.com
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